It’s not easy being a tyrannical dictator, especially in today’s political climate. It’s even harder ruling the land while still being an emperor at home. But even the most iron of fists must open their heart when having “the talk” with their teenage son, and we’re here to help you out. Here are 5 tips to having “the grenade talk” with your despot son.
1. Do It Somewhere He Feels Comfortable
You want him to feel as comfortable as possible, so you should have the talk in a location familiar and safe to him. Perhaps in his bedroom? Or maybe set up a table in the middle of a room with a stool for him to sit on and a chair right next to it for you to sit on? Every kid’s dream!
2. Be Relatable
Try to break the ice by relating to his interests. Is he into model cars? Tell them how amazing his hard work looks. Then remind him of how trivial his hobbies are when compared to a fragmentation grenade.
3. Hold His Hand
It’s important to have a physical, human connection when teaching your son about the anatomy of a grenade. It also ensures that he has a firm grip on the handle before you remove the pin.
4. Keep Calm
Your son will probably be just as nervous and uneasy as you are, so it’s important to stay calm and cool. Speak in a measured, confident voice. Never let him speak. Be sure to tell him how hard his future will be, how unappreciative everyone will be his sacrifices, how wrong everyone, and how everyone wants to kill him.
5. Remind Him of His Legacy
Show him his inheritance by leading him onto the precipice of his besieged childhood home as his future subjects throw firebombs at police, and are executed in the streets for treason. Point out how the grenade he is holding says “muerte a Castillo”, a gift addressed specifically to him, and that he is free to do with it as he pleases.
Hopefully at this point he makes the right decision, but remember that no matter what he does to respect his choice. You can teach him to respect the grenade, but you cannot make him use it. Everyone comes into their own at different times, and even if he isn’t ready to brutally murder his unappreciative subjects today that doesn’t mean he won’t be ready tomorrow.
